"ADE'S JOURNAL", 62

  Tossed into an ocean of smoking dreams, I wait. Forced into a whirlwind of maybe, I see. Not with biased blurry vision by the truth. I have soaked and absorbed all I can and I am now what I promised I will not be. That person unsure of why I missed all I did, all the opportunities that can and should have made my life easier. The endless supply of mentis all dispatched and long gone. Now I push and try to stretch all my deadlines and pause in between to ask again, where did I go wrong. As I watch her tired defeated eyes dart about the room and then rest on me. The education she had now a painting on the wall. The extra skills she learned, all now fallow in her battle for survival. As the jaws of depression expand and engulf her, I look around and see that it is not my friend that I look at with pity. But my exhausted self, disappearing into the jaws of regret.
                                                                   

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 61

I wil laugh at your jokes and not think of words even though they make me croak. I will watch as you grow and frown at your pokes, regardless of all the pains they inflict as I try hard to feign been tough. I will wash away the tears, streaming down all these years and increase the volume of all the cheers. This man I watch as I try to hush all my emotions. Harmless they may seem but taunting all that I guard as your persistence breaks down all my protective barriers. Giving me hope of a life free from the jaws of boredom, to one worthy of the scandalous reality show I've dreamed of living. Last year, this year or was it, yesterday Today or tomorrow. I've cared too much about how the world would judge me and missed too much of life's amazing gifts, wrapped up as scandalous by people who don't remember my name.
Now I can't help but feel like I'll scream when I can't, but die when I don't. And wake up while I sleep and cry when I laugh, two seconds into realizing what you said a minute ago.
What an array of contradiction, my creative mind conjures. Should I just Laugh out loud and wait until you notice. Or spend endless tired nights, praying I will not die a novice.
I'll shout so you hear and hold you near for now. Until I stop and Say.... Talk My Dear I Am All Arms.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 60

  It's extremely quiet this morning and as usual, I wake up to the sound of that annoying cock crowing endlessly. It's guttural cry to impress some silly hen in one corner waiting and watching. And who are the casualties in this kingdom called sleep? We helpless humans that noise and cries disturb and can't return to. At least not until the next day. This cock has been my official alarm clock, since I decided to stay at my parents house. It's been annoying three days of waking up a lazy maid. She sleeps until seven and some more from nine in the morning until one in the afternoon. That is unbelievable but true, is it work ethics have dwindled drastically. The interesting part is she keeps counting the days to her return home. I could not help but tell her to add the thirteen hours she sleeps daily. And what did she do? She laughed it up and continues to count the days. Maybe my parents are old, but it's a lot of nonsense they keep up with. I had to remind her that she is a quarter my dad's age and he is retired. It's too early for her to be so laid back in life. Did she listen? Yes, by adding another hour to her sleep routine. Well, like they say. Everything is a trap and every routine sealed by twenty eight days. My parents have the luxury to catch up and talk and socialize after more than eighty years of working. Well in her line of work, it seems the maid gets away with all that sleep because my parents are private people. I just happened to work in the living room and witness the maids sleeping habits. It only makes me reevaluate my own life and decide to do so much more with my time and life. And since today is the day I go back home, it starts now.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 59
                                                                           
    Surfacing like a drunken tea bag saturated in too much of everything, I know I am pregnant and full and ready to pop. Drowning in words and longing for action or some special way back to the past, to a time of my innocence. To the time where I was swimming in a sea filled with opportunity and interacted with people without judging others. I know I am a little crazy and hang on too much to my childhood, but can you blame me? Left right and center, they came and gave and offered. And like the naive child I was, I assumed the opportunities will forever be there waiting. So I said no, burnt bridges and continued to swim. My arrogance didn't let me see that a thousand opportunities has dwindled to ten and by the time I did, I desperately clung to it. To make matters worse, I ran to my burnt bridges and act like we are still friends. My attitude made things worse and made repel every little chance I had.
I cut off the little sanity I had and let superficial friends take over, the clothes the shoes the hair styles made me connect to the only real part of me that brought me joy. Music and Films, I watched intensely and believed deeply. And then, realized I was deeply and truly alone. So I turned to logic and algorithms, who will most likely give me safe fun. That my dear was fun and made my university life bearable. Until I find out that I was alone and just an experience for them. So I just turned off and dissect my life. All to find out who is honest and real and who isn't?
The answer was crying clear family of course, so I rebuild bridges there and this in turn helps me learn to rebuild bridges with other people.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 58

 Swift predators sweep down and scatter all the battalion of sea folks heading my way and then I duck. This made me swallow spiky and sandy particles, instead of spitting it out. I crush them into a pulp and then watch the eagle eyes turn to watch me as I gulp. My lungs slow to a minimum, mimicking death and my soul fights to hang on to my fragile frightened casing. We stare at one another as if ready to spring forth and break out into a heavy bata dance of warriors in this merciless sun. The waves race and slam into me and I hold on to the solid sea rock bed with trembling claws. And rather than our shadows clashing and fighting, I twist and try to go away. There was no time to escape and none to even blink as in all of this happens in a millisecond, I was frightened and swallowed the sand pulp in my mouth. My instincts kicked in and like a hardened prey, I turn and face my predator. This prey is not going down easily, so I fight awkward haphazard and brandish my razor teeth. Unfortunately, I struggled to deflect the razor talons of my predator. It sinks in and grabs me and flies high and I struggle and try to bite my captor and free myself from captivity. I wiggle and it sinks it’s beak into my back and then, I jab upwards at it with my back shifting all my weight at it.
It started to choke on the bits of me inside and It’s aching jaw almost got unhinged, so in a desperate attempt to survive it throws up enough liquid to thrust it out of my choke hold. Never have I ever been proud to be this large and as I float and sway, the school return to cheer me for rescuing the others. My one fight to survive, has saved others drowning in the predators slime. We dance briefly, celebrating our victory as another predator approached us all…
The Liars Come Out Quickly, along with our memories of many experiences I would like to forget. I admit that I can hardly ever sleep easy, when memories fully hunt my mind. A cruel joke you might call it or call me silly, even though it’s hard to understand my battles. As I desperately try to create a d make this memory about me succeeding.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 57

     The sky was without rain clouds and in a beautiful even blue, the reason it's my favorite colour. The golden eagle spreads it's massive wings and soars across the open back compartment of the mini truck. Inside I toss the tennis ball to my eager little sister. In a fit that surprised me, she jumped and caught it and threw it immediately at me. I stretch hard and catch it, twisting and curling my mid section to cushion the effects and impact of my sudden movements. And then, immediately toss it back at her as if I was a pitcher. My brother's cheered on and insist it's their turn and I loose focus for a fraction of a second. The mini truck had taken a turn and the ball my sister threw was going in that curve direction, I jumped and caught it and found myself back at the beginning.
 My uncle had promised us that we could catch the our tennis ball as he drives us all around the fountain in our home in Benin city. I still remember the name of the street, even though it was decades ago and I was just seven years old. We struggle and push each other, eager to test this his theory. And then he declared we start the game by age. That settled the score, my little sister and I were older than my little brother's. I step and climb the mini truck without any ladder, straining my waist and limbs as I did. My adventurous uncle carried my struggling less agile sister into the back of the back of the metal rimmed open-back of the mini truck. She repeats words I've heard before and I toss the tennis ball in her direction. This time I was not surprised, she stretched, jumped and caught it. And I knew which direction she would throw it and caught it. The excitement was less and made me wonder if knowing what would happen before it did, was worth it. And then the mini truck swerved and I dived harder and curled outwards to catch it.
Knowing was predictable but there were also pockets of things missing, I wanted it to happen again.
But Time Jumps, Too Far Away. I wanted more and more and more as I shut my eyes....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 56

  Fear cripples, fear truncates and kills dreams. But it does not signify the end, you can jump start your dreams and reboot your goals. All it takes is the will to want to start all over again and I am ready. My career goals are on track but bless YouTube videos for reminding me that I have not even started. This six year old with her dreams taking off, she is on her third book and has released an album. Is she the brightest? No. Is her voice breaking boundaries and winning Grammies? No. She is enjoying herself and earning quality money while honing her skills.
It's a reminder that I have so much more to do and I should not wait until I am perfect.
Come rain or shine I will hit the airwaves with my show and my Valentine special will be epic. The roses may not be red, in fact I won't be using roses but a mixture of yellow pin and white. All that matters is that I will be Bold and do it now. Take every step towards making my debut show a reality.. How about you....