"ADE'S JOURNAL", 51

     The beauty of it all, tricked me into thinking it was real. That feeling of complete honesty that eludes me, those friends in hyena hides that hide behind my trust and thrust me into this bitter whirlpool I call regret. Ask me why I keep believing my so called friends care, I have no clue. But this lonely island I am anchored on, makes me long for companionship. Want a friendship that is symbiotic and healthy. Like this moth perched on a young pawpaw leaf, I am naive. It may look like a mutual relationship. But in reality, the plant is stuck and this parasitic wanderer has plans to fly as far and away as possible, once metamorphosis has occurred. And so, you ask why I don't shake my leaves and get rid of this beautiful moth? Or why something so beautiful should come to me and just destroy all my hard earned work and zeal to thrive and survive.
  No particular reason, just that feeling of need. The need to want to flourish and grow at the expense of me, the leaf. Every bite kills me but who cares, right? There are so many more healthy leaves, growing and thriving. I should not mind losing a leaf. Just a leaf you say, but what about others, those wicked life you birth beneath my leaves? The hatchlings deposited in the leaves, the new life that sucks life from me. The past biting and growing off the pain I endure, day in and day out.
Yes as expected, The Leaf Died. But my root is strong and I will spring forth new shoots and leaves and be fruitful. You just wait and see.....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 50

      Beautiful is the way your lips spread a and then, silky words drift and dance from within you. Mesmerizing and in sync we are, just like this August waves move in and entice me. Shiny bright crystal beads precipitate on your dark smooth chocolaty skin, as your hands graze and touch it's lustrous surface. I lean in to get a better look and spot you smiling at the effect you have on me. The whispers my ears receive from you, make me giggle like a teenager again. I touch my hair and smoothen it all the way to the back and stop, afraid I have an audience because this dance is just for you. I catch you watching my lips and lean away, not too far but not too soon too.   Quickly I turn to all my friends and pray I'm not too obvious and when I am sure they are clueless, my gaze drifts back to you. I watch him about to eat the cake I baked and iced, and as perfect white teeth bite into my soft sponge with vanilla bean filling I smile and wait. He touched me and then I freeze and just as he is about to say the words, she spoils it....
  In my life, there are few moments I want to wringe someone's neck with my bare hands, well. This is one of them, I have been flirting all evening with Daniel Ojora and was looking forward to a kiss at least. I lie, maybe one guilty kiss in the balcony with a hidden corner... No guilt, nothing just me believing I got away with it and this my friend had to ruin it. She was the one that insisted we bond with Celine's half brother and even surprise him... Well, not really surprise him. But attend his birthday. I didn't mind baking, I missed it. But most of all, I was curious. Will he look like Celine? Was he going to be nice?
 Turns out that was the least of it all. As I cut angry eyes at Nnoye, who Daniel totally ignored. She dragged me aside and quickly apologized to Daniel without looking at him. It was actually Ajoke's idea to invite Daniel, just to distract him while she steals his toothbrush with his DNA so she can confirm if he is really Celine's brother. I washed my hands off that plan, but Daniel was game for some strange reason. Maybe Nnoye was in on it too, I really didn't know why Nnoye looks so worried.
  The words she said made no sense and I turn back to this new man in our lives as she reassured me it was true and spoke more words. How did this happen? Her answer was even weirder than I thought, she was classmates with him and they have been flirting and well... He was fit and attractive and now she is afraid. My eyes widened as she said the words and I place my throbbing head into my cold hand. Here we go again....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 49

 How many ways must I prove myself to you, just like the wrong side keeps sticking to glue. Layers of DNA stick on as I try to end all trace of me. Scraped off and recorded for all history to keep, maybe the cells will die and my fingerprints will fade. Not on this though, as I grumble and try to separate the plastic from me. Somehow it will melt or burn and I will be forgotten, long gone. Instead, it's encased in gum and buried in bronze, as I relax and rest and just listen to it all.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 48

        Listen carefully as she speaks, brainwashed and clueless of the conspiracy to make her weak. I do not claim to be innocent, neither did I say I did not do wrong. From my cluster of friends, I am the last one standing and as this acquaintance talks and touches the man I hold dear. I can not help but be suspicious of her intentions. Little did I know that she was the only genuine one around me and as she touched me too on my forehand, I changed my mind and just assumed she was just one of those who talk a d touch people.
I have been at the edge of waters, spiralling endlessly into an abyss. But never did I imagine that my love would push me deep into the dark crystal core. The violence crept up my spine, a word at a time. It starts with harsh condemnation for my strong willed friends and a total ban on the divorced ones. Even though the violence meant they could have died, he insists that heaven would not accept her and made me swear I will never end up like them. Then he barred me from our bedroom and accused me of having an affair. I cried and begged, which became my life for the next four years. Pleading always, so that he can tell me what I did wrong and that was the beginning of the end. He was utterly disgusted any time he laid eyes on me and then he starts with my weight. The weight I maintained and even lost, since the time we first met. Ten kilograms lighter and to him, I'm now too skinny. No hip or butt for him to hold and somehow he thinks I'm a man. My reproductive organs beg to differ, i say daring his royal royal highness. Slaps and punches, shocked and shame silenced me. I was now one of those pathetic women that did not see the sign...
 Which signs, this psychopath did a 360 on me. When I accepted my daily dose of beating, he moves to my hair. I spend too much time on it and can't find any for him. Besides, I am too artificial for him to be seen in public with him. So he bans me from touching my hair with chemicals, a transition that chops off most of my hair.      The short hair cut was a warm welcome and natural hair maintenance in Nigeria was at a premium. I enjoyed every bit of it and start to teach and coach ladies in the transition. He laughs at how plain I look now and how no one could ever love me. This monster I had a child for, and for the final time I dared protest and found myself staring at the ceiling, with broken wood in my ribs. Somehow I was hit and slammed into the oak central dining table. This artifact passed to me from my great great grandfather mother. As I drove myself to the hospital, it gets more difficult to breathe and I just shut my eyes and accept that this is how I leave this cruel world. Then I wake up to kindness and hope and a rehabilitation of my body and mind. The doctor that finds me in the car and saves my life and help me out of the chronic depression I had failed to hide. I fell hard for him and did the impossible and because divorce would not let me enter heaven, I damned the consequences and did the unthinkable. The affair fed my soul and grew my world. My hair thrived in its natural state and I was complete, if only I could leave the beast at home. His blows did not affect me and his words had no meaning and then he asked for lunch. I was not interested but thought to myself, he is the father of my child. So I eat, it tastes funny and a thought crept up my mind, did he poison me? He made an excuse and told me he had to go and I immediately called the doctor. Luckily, he was already on his way. My eyes could not see clearly and I typed on my phone, starting to accuse him. My bladder gave up first and then my nerves, knives sliced at my skin and the last thing I heard was his laughter. I Am Lost But Know You Will Protect Me....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 47

   I galloped and neighed as the  crowd tapped on their devices. My voice startled them and a child asked why I sound like a donkey. Nonsense, I protest. My task is not to carry your burden across your dessert, it's to be brushed and groomed and treated as endangered. Who said I was not endangered? After all, I once used to roam free and now, I don't. The heat stroke makes the paint drip and as it trickles down my bloated belly, I scratched and smudge it against the walls of my zoo. The child squealed and points, shouting that my skin was melting. The terrified father tried to calm his confused child as he stays oblivious on the phone with his boss. Too engrossed to notice but still caring enough to pick up his child and carry him far away from the scary zebra. I did not stop, I recognized the sound of that beast of burden. That annoying animal that should have helped my family. Instead it stubbornly refused to move and it's neigh kept me terrified of been kicked by the rabid donkey. This was no zebra and the zoo's attempt to pass it off as one failed woefully. It's long ears and short stumpy limbs, quelled all assumptions.
 I became the lady photographing the donkey as The Zebra Stripes Washed Off The Donkey. And then I wake up....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 46


    Mellow is the way I wish to say hello this dark Wednesday morning, shallow is the manner by which your witch cast a spell on me. Overconfident is the wizard that says I will swallow my pride, and say yes. Hello is the kiss goodbye as the sun turns from ash to yellow. The dark skies part, reveal who you are, this temporary annoying you. The land you seek to conquer and brag about, I see through it all. The monster you created in you, no more lurking or hiding behind a mask. But high up on the highest plateau, growling for all to hear. As I watch the ripples of your deceit flow from the ripples of your tears, my reflection is near..  

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 45

     Let me float away with you, this cloudy Saturday morning. Fly away without guilt and the pressure of being good. Let us stare at each other and not hear the world scream, just as the cold clusters of high humidity drags the weather down by two degrees. So does your deep bold brown eyes sink me further into the well made bed beneath us. I do not care for consequences or reason, I just want you staring into my cold deep brown chocolate eyes. I miss the embrace and the cuddling, the real emotions of a genuine touch that keeps me connected with you. Not today though, that is absent. All I feel right now is the absence, the emptiness. That missing link that scares me and takes me far away from the present, from right now. I forget where I am and stare at nothing and hear him whisper and ask if I am alright. I nod my head like I did in my early twenties, nervous that I am about to sin. Instead of fear the excitement I feel is different, what I am for sure missing is the guilt. It's actually liberating to feel this way and as our lips lock, I kiss him back. And know exactly what I am doing and blame no one, not even me.