"ADE'S JOURNAL", 44

   The moon is massive and closer now and as I stare at it, I tuck myself into his warm embrace. I should not be here and I know the consequences of my actions but I need this. His hands find my tummy and I shut my eyes. The fingers dig underneath the large jeans button holding what I thought would secure me from this moment. And as the button gets undone, my heart skips and I stop him. I can't be this person that lets her emotions betray her trust. I push and pry myself upwards from the bed and he skillfully spins me underneath him and I avoid his gaze. My body is betraying me but my head is reminding me. That this will not end well at all at all and as he inches closer and kisses me, I stop him and then he goes for my ears and I know I'm in trouble....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 43

   Odd and Even are my chances, as I struggle to change my situation. Cold is the air I breathe in, as I try to warm my feet with wool socks clinging flimsy onto my skinny freezing feet. The tips of my toes cringe and coil as I feel a layer of cold clouds, cluster and blow cooler air on the lonely pair. The rest of me is curvy and a little warm and I just stare and try to re-strategize my next move in my crazy lonesome life.
 I have raised funds, written the business plans executed and failed so many times at it, that right now I can tell when it's all falling apart. It's time again to press reset and as I do, I stare at all my plans and prick and pick at what works and try to improve on what doesn't. My circle of influence has changed and I have this need to delete all the irrelevant phone numbers on my phone. And everytime I am about to, I pause and change my mind. Why? I have no clue, but today it all changes. I need to be as sincere as I can be, this is the day it all changes. Not maybe tomorrow or next but this very day...

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 42

         The rains stopped as quickly as they began and I watched my brother tell me it was gone. All my savings from all the humiliation I have endured has disappeared. My gullible naive brother invested with Stan, our dubious neighbor. I want to scream and tell my idiotic brother how stupid he is, but I too feel stupid.
 I've had a baby for a narcissistic man that won't let me see my child, unless Ade touches his stone cold heart. Ade, my best friend won't ever completely trust me because the man was always hers. 
   All that pales in comparison now, the worst has happened. My upfront for my show, my savings everything is gone. I want to break the bottle and go next door and kill him. 
   Instead, I March there and kick open the door, his useless mother with her faux smile greets me. 
Who greets a neighbor who just broke into your house? 
   My plan was to scream and cry and kill but then I see it. The couture rug I bought in Paris with my friends, the first official trip that solidified our friendship was underneath their old decaying center table. The woman looked at it, in horror. As if realizing, for the first time that I knew it was mine. I clapped my hands like a typical west African woman and insist they roll it up and move it. I did not stop there, I state it's price and value and how much it cost to ship it into the country. The son and mother awkardly and move with urgency towards my house and I let them in. They set it back on the floor of the house my mother stays that still has my name on it. And as they do, i reign abuses at them. 
  They promise to return the money they tricked my brother into investing and I spot, the six layer pearls she has on. Even Ade didn't have jewelry this expensive, maybe all her pearls put together would make this one piece. And I mean the pearls Ade bought herself and gifts to herself and from her suitors. 
   I definetely would not sell it, I will wear it for the premier of my show.
 I lock my door and stretched out my hands and the mother of this crook has the ordercity to shake her head. I bring out my phone and my brother stands behind her. Only then, does she reluctantly remove it and then I point at the brothers Rolex. Trust me, I sharp like that. The dubious son did not argue, instead he promised to bring the casing and certificates if I wave it off what he owes. It's better than nothing, I say and then I unlock the door, I will sell the limited edition to my brother's friend cash down and only in dollars. The cash should cushion my spending until I find another generous mugu toaster.
 This writing of a journal thing, is hard. And I just wonder if Ade ever worries that someday, someone else will read her private thoughts. Because, I do not want these my friends to know how hard it is to keep up with their rich spoilt lifestyles. Lord have mercy.....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 41

   It's moist and irritating because you know exactly what the over-bloated deep green fly with sharp red compound eye is doing, it is throwing up and feeding. The first thing I do is clean off the disgusting spot off my skin, then I take wipes to anticeptically remove the filth from me. But the wipes are dry and don't have the same effects as I expect. I don't like insects and all the information about the eggs of micro insects they feeding and hatch everytime you kill any drives me nuts.
So how do I win in this war against pests? Simple, I arm myself with their lifecycles ad ad what they avoid, what kills them and what makes them strive. And then I act from a position of knowledge and try to exterminate or truncate their existence. Do I succeed? Maybe or maybe not, what matters is that I tried. Na die you dey.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 40

 
   Spiral winds lift and drop me this unusual warm morning, sending frothy whirlwinds all around my  edgy corners as I hold on to my silk thread that takes me where I will moult. Graze against time, I eat like I'm been rewarded with extra life lines that bring with it laughter. Frozen on this pawpaw leaf, I crust and form a crystal that sucks on its SAP and harden as I grow. Until my crusts crack and reveal my changed form, no longer will I crawl. For now, I stretch and activate blood into my dead veins. And as my spotted wings come alive, I bat them and sprout out in all my glory and fly...

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 39

   As in,  ...

Swirling around an abundantly lit red erosion way, I know I am meant to swim out of this murky clay river forced down what used to a road.
  So float and rise above all troubled waters and breakthrough beautiful you, fight through like the resilient warrior you are. Lift your arm up at an impeccable angle as you aim your thoughts towards all your precious goals. For as the world tosses obstacles your way, knowingly and unknowingly.l, Protect your integrity and values, because you will be tested day in day out by people around you.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 38

   Have you ever been so intent on watching every second that passes by? Staring hard at your screen and hoping to catch every action, as if you directed the show yourself. And just as your eyes glow in the dark room and grabs all flicker of light from your laptop screen tilted slightly forward, a flying termite almost dives into your eyes. You duck and seat at the insect that lands on your keyboard and slam at your precious device. Realizing you could destroy it, you grab the piece of paper you have carefully taken notes on and slam into the crawling insect. And as you fail to kill it, you spot its wings fly away from it and watch it crawl between your keypads. At this moment your rage escalates and you disconnect the plugged charger and shake or try to shake the laptop upside down so the tiny creatures falls out.
It does and you feel justified, knowing you didn't kill it and splash it's insides all over your bedside table. So you place it back on the wooden surface and try to continue to watch your show in a darkened room. Then it happens, there is an onslaught of flying termites. One, five and then ten, all targeting your eyes and just two focused on the laptop screen. It's time to do what you don't want to and I do it anyway. I walk on my knees on my semi hard bed and keep my eyes closed most of the time, until I reach the light switch. I almost fall off and open my eyes as I put on the lights. The amount of flying termites in my room, make me grab my laptop and leave it. They are on their last life line and to spray the room with insecticide, is to fill my allergies with dangerous chemicals. I was not in the mood to then counter the toxins with toxic medicine to release antihistamines into my blood stream. The only solution is to let the creatures have my room for thirty minutes, when they are all wingless and dead I will sweep under my light bulbs and get rid of the pests. That's how this night moved on and that's why I woke up in a chair in my living room.
My head is swirling around in my buoyant light head, as if I am in the middle of a murky milky way, I know I am meant to be amongst the stars. But the stars need their beauty sleep and the tension in my neck is proof my sleep is not enough. So do I shine through like beautiful child, or dim a little Because I was displaced from my room by termites? No, I will stretch a little and smile a little more, for today is a brand new day and another opportunity to try again...