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About Me

My photo

 My story may shock you, but then again your situation may be worse. Delve in and find out....
The best moments are the ones when, that affect people positively and inspire them to laugh and live. 
             But is this, the entire story?
 The Human experience is Unique and every person has something to give, you just need to see it from my perspective and I craft words, actions and events from this very human angle.

Ade's Journal Part 6

Ade's Journal Part 6
My Valentine & The Elegance Of A Clean Breakup

Ade's Journal Part 5

Ade's Journal Part 5
My Scrumptious Valentine Kiss

Ade's Journal Part 4

Ade's Journal Part 4
A Scorpion is not a Lobster

Ade's Journal Part 3

Ade's Journal Part 3
My Insane Week Before Valentine

Ade's Journal Part 2

Ade's Journal Part 2
He Had The Guts To Come Back

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Friday, 17 November 2017

Thicky Madam Swims Like Patterns


"ADE'S JOURNAL", 80

  The cool winds hit my tiny toes and I wiggle it just to say I am awake but need a little more sleep. If that was just the case, it would have been fine. I feel it and flinch and then hope it's just a horrid dream. The skin underneath my toes hurt as if I have been bitten and in panic mode I grab the only source of light in the dark night. My charged phone far from been smart, the only one that can withstand the one hour power supply I am lucky to have per day. My smartphone now only charged with stabilizer and the generator rigged to power my flat for twelve hours per day.
Tears well up my eyes as I bend my knees and arch my shin towards my dilated pupils and pray like a typical Nigerian in denial that what is happening to me is just a dream. But alas, no amount of prayer can reconstruct a shattered raw egg and I see signs of tiny bubbles at the edge of my toes and exclaimed in horror. I have been feasted on by a creature in the night. The first culprit i suspect is that high speed rat I poisoned to save myself from that dreadful Lassa Fever disease silently killing my fellow citizens. Little did I know that other resilient more pertinent dangers lurked in the dark. I was still cursing and imagining the many ways I will kill the bloody rodent. Then I see it advance boldly towards me, it's spiny little antenna and the I spot another. The alpha climbed me and aimed for my toes and I sprint out of the room, did it let go? Nope, instead it holds on tight to my shin and enjoys the ride. I stump and slap and miss and then feel four other spots underneath my toes. I cry briefly and then remember as the creature chases me back into my dark room. The insecticide covered with dust was still under my bed. As the wicked carnivore approached, I sprayed the dark brown antenna and it paused a little and then advanced angrily fluttering many layers of wings. It was like a scene from a horror movie. I had to kill it to survive. I grab shoes and slam into it, crush it and grabbed a tissue. I put alcohol on it and then whipped all the rubbish and innards now a horrible mess off my floor. I wipe and make sure no infection spreads as I ponder on what to do next. I do not know if it had signalled to the others that my toes were on their menu and as I clean the tiny bites around my left feet. I pray and then search and put on ankle socks. It would have to go through my socks first. This did little to ease my troubled mind and nowhere was safe. My Dreams were not pleasant and in them larger carnivores feast on my limbs. At first I cry and beg but then realized I must wake up from a senseless slumber and fight. I don't just get up, I dress up. I wrap my gele around my head and prepare to slay. My buba and wrapper go around and envelope me and my full frame. As I pick up my spear and dagger and fight. The creatures screamed and begged as I screamed and pierced. Stabbing quickly and shielding myself, I prepare for more to come my way. The battle may be won but the war is not over. I will not stop until I slay all that comes my way. This Thicky Madam Swims Like Patterns, traced and drawn from experience and knowledge from trials and tribulations and as they fall by my side, I get stronger and stronger by the day.
   Yes I would have cut away my own flesh if that had happened to me in real life But come to think about it, I'm less paranoid when it comes to things like this. At least now more than before.
  I first witnessed this strange phenomenon i just read about or something close to it way back in the university. I heard that in the male hostel that was closer to the forest and the lagoon, they sleep with trainers on. Not just soft canvas that could easily be munched into by rats that lift cover of pots of stew to devour pieces of cooked meat. True story, olorun gbo. These were no ordinary rats and I heard rumors of the school been built over a graveyard. It gave me goosebumps for days, until someone points out that... That there isn't a graveyard, that was short lived when someone else points out that everywhere was once a graveyard. The first time I actually set eyes on them, these were some form of badger-like-rodents or moles just trying to regain territory lost to man.
That was then..

   Well this is me years later saying this, back then I didn't sleep without socks on for ages. But life goes on and freak accidents happen. Now I know we have dominion over creatures and if we could tame a mammoth and and elephant. Teach a lion to behave like a domestic cat and woo a majestic king cobra to be enchanted by a flute. Then we can conquer universes and beyond. A tiny rat or cockroach can be handled. I pause...
 As I ponder on the article in the paper, I think I saw a cockroach and hop and skip as I clutch my massive baby bump. I guess it's true what they say. Man's first instinct is flight and then when all else is exhausted, he stands and fights.
  Henrik has to spray the entire house if I'm going to sleep in peace. Abegi ooo, it's better safe than sorry. And if your faith is waning do not tempt it and go shaking into the hungry lions den. Call for help and protect ya self, omolomo.

 Ajoke is in Paris with Celine and they said they had gist for me. I anxiously waiting in the living room with all the lights on. Who can sleep after reading such troubling news. The call comes in and I light up and smile and forget the strange phenomenon.
'Ladies, good morning'
'Ade how now?'
 Celine was in a good mood and not just because Ajoke was there, this was different.
'Oya ya, spill the beans. Ki lon se le?'
'Don't mind her', Ajoke said laughing.
 I felt left out of the loop and jealous and frown.
'Talk now', I snapped at my closest friends.
'Should I tell her?', Celine asked enjoying that I was impatient.
'Please, tell our dear best friend', Ajoke was enjoying this.
'You slept with Pierre'
 The look on Celine's face, as if I caught her doing something naughty.
 Ajoke started laughing, 'I told you that you are transparent'
Celine eyed her and smacked her lips and announced.
'Pierre has filed to get the marriage annulled'
 I thought I heard her but I was not sure but the way these ladies were laughing. I kind of knew it was true.
'Ade, you are not shrieking'
 It was almost like a question and that surprised me, so I ask.
'How are the girls taking it?'
'Wetin concern them? They want to be little bridesmaids', Celine adds.
'Now, but what about later, when they grow up?'
'Actions have consequences', Celine says not giving a care in the world.
'But....', I was still in shock and by the look on their faces they were too.
'Ade', Ajoke scolds me and pats Celine's back.
'Why are you making her feel guilty?', Ajoke sulked.
'Because these children grow up....'
'...And mine will grow up to what eh? When I met Pierre he had a state issued death certificate of his wife and then when we choose to get married. She resurfaced from the dead. If she had known she should have stayed dead'
 Celine was unapologetic and Ajoke eyed me.
'I take it she is devastated...', I add.
'Begging Everyone who cares to listen'
 I paused and smiled.
'That is the reaction I wanted', Ajoke adds quickly.
'I am on your side but someone has to tell you the truth', I try to explain myself.
'Because Ajoke will support you blindly and Ade will support you logically'
 It was not a compliment and I did not feign Innocence.
'So how soon...'
'Now you are talking, by January we would have it all sorted'
'That soon?'
'Yes, we have proof she was in and out of Paris without trying to contact any of her so called family', Celine was serious.
'Really?', I didn't think about it like that.
'It was his daughter that first mentioned it that if she was alive all this time, why didn't she come for them?', Celine reiterates.
'A girl scorned....', I start to say.
'.... will definitely burn you', Ajoke finished the sentence we both were thinking of.
'So how is preparation for Ashabi's wedding.
'That my baby sister is such a last minute person. Your wedding is in less than two weeks and you are still shopping'
'Ade I've designed my own outfits for us and my colours are burgundy. What's yours?'
'Celine, mine is cocoa with a touch of horizon gold'
 Celine frowned and it made me laugh and ask, 'what?'
'I forgot about the reality show ooo, mine is a hint of fire-ry red with an earth burned clay look'
 Celine made me fall off my couch laughing and Ajoke frowned, feeling left out.
'....And the shoes I picked are ocean caressed with icicles and the dust stormy shoes with pyramid layered crystals'
 I could not believe my ears, that was Ajoke trying to be arty and she nailed it.
Celine screamed and hugged her and I squat and tried to balance on the floor.
Henrik raced to help me up on my feet and there in France, Pierre helped Celine from the floor. Ajoke was laughing so hard her eyes were shut.
'Ladies please take it easy', Pierre begged in his thick sexy French accent.
When we had all cooled down I add.
'I didn't gist you ladies ooo, remember our French lecturer?'
'He is getting married?', Ajoke asked.
'No'
'He has been promoted?', Celine asked.
'No'
'Ade abeg talk', Ajoke snapped at me still laughing.
'The French escortion money from Nigeria to Paris... Disneyland and all'
'Eh hehn?', Ajoke says and starts to giggle.
'Lucky only a small fraction had paid, he has absconded with ten million Naira'
 Ajoke and Celine screech.
'Its a lie...'
'...Has he not worked there for fifteen years?'
'That's why people trusted him', Celine adds.
'But Ade never trusted him'
'How come?'
'There was a desperation about him and it was a one man show. I've worked with NGO's before. There was a system in place, his was money, money and more money'
 The ladies start laughing again.
'Its not funny..'
'Ade the man is such a fool, with fingerprinting and all. Where is he going to hide?'
'Ajoke like they say, ninety nine days for the thief and one day for the owner'
'He will be caught...'
'No doubt, they traced him to Frankfurt. The dumb idiot is so silly'
'Efcc is involved, he is a wanted man'
'A wanted pathetic thief', I add.
My Ladies screamed and laughed and I smiled as we all prepared to start our day.

  The smile on my face was priceless and I know that Nnoye is on her way here with fresh salads and samosas. I can't wait to bite into the triangle delights.
I tell my staff of two to let her come straight in and as I wait. I check the WhatsApp group to see the update on the French lecturer thief, nothing.
 I hear Nnoye's shoes dig into my laminated wooden floor and smile. I open the door and we hug briefly as I eye the bag of goodies with her. I sit back and eat them with my eyes closed and smiled.
'You are in a good mood', she snarled at me.
'Celine is getting married soon'
'Pierre's wife is giving him a divorce?'
'Worse, he is getting their marriage annulled'
'Its a lie', Nnoye sits up and pulls me closer to her.
'Its true'
'When did you hear?'
'This morning'
'Good for her', Nnoye did not sound as excited as I expected.
'What up?'
'You tell me'
 This reverse psychology move is serious oooo, I wonder what she knows.
'What did you hear?'
'What didn't I hear, is the question'
 I continue to bite into my samosa and stare at her.
'Two sisters are pregnant for Daniel Ojora...'
 I drop my samosa and feign ignorance.
'No, haba. That sounds ridiculous', I lie shamelessly.
'Ridiculous but true. One of my dates is her older brother..'
'That is sick', I didn't see that move coming.

  Do you blame me for pretending not to know anything? Mini and Baby are back and Nnoye just heard and to top it all up, their brother is trying to get on the show.

 See me see trouble ooo, which kind wahala is this?






**"ADE'S JOURNAL" Season 2 Episode 80**
*"ADE'S JOURNAL", 80, COPYRIGHT 2017*
**BUSOLA ELEGBEDE, COPYRIGHT 2017**
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