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Ade's Journal Part 6

Ade's Journal Part 6
My Valentine & The Elegance Of A Clean Breakup

Ade's Journal Part 5

Ade's Journal Part 5
My Scrumptious Valentine Kiss

Ade's Journal Part 4

Ade's Journal Part 4
A Scorpion is not a Lobster

Ade's Journal Part 3

Ade's Journal Part 3
My Insane Week Before Valentine

Ade's Journal Part 2

Ade's Journal Part 2
He Had The Guts To Come Back

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Friday, 12 February 2016

A Scorpion is not a Lobster

Like a blender crushing ice cubes, i feel every contour crushed by the blades of regret and the pain of reality.
My eyes dance on the screen at the number calling me. I may not have stored it, but i recognize the number. My heart is beating so fast, I can actually feel it banging against my rib cage. 

My mind is racing, I feel like I did when I had to defend my final year project. Scared for absolutely no reason, because I knew what was coming but hate that I will be judged, by people who don't know me. Guilty almost. The real question playing in my head is....

How on earth did Lara know what just transpired? Na wa o, married women are a special breed. They act clueless, but they know what's up, I tell you. Her decoder is on point, my dillema now is... Should I pick her call? I really, really don't want to. And someone, please tell me how on earth, Lara got this number? This coded line, strictly for emergencies. What do I do oo? Wait till I meet up with Khadijatu? No, this is my experience, my learning curve. I should, oh never mind.....

'Hello....', I waited.
'Good afternoon...', she answered in the most hostile tone I've ever heard.
'Yes...', i too was as cold as ice and I don't have to be polite you know.

She went on and on about how Frank tells her everything, 'denial'. Added and explained that her cousin, my boss, says I am hard working and not loose, 'who cares?'. Can you just imagine, she thinks I want her approval or what? Any ho', I listened as this trouble maker, said that, she was on the phone with my boss, eh. Listen o, that 'she', was on the phone with my boss when I almost killed her husband.

Gbese, as if, i did it on purpose, nonsense and ingredients.

Ask me why, I am still on the phone with this woman oooo. I will answer you, and don't blame me one bit. I am been a patient Siamese kitten because, I am curious. Yes I know, curiosity killed the cat. But this kitten has to hear the end of this. You cannot imagine what the joker had to say. Her answer made me chuckle, but wait and listen first now.

Lara said, she wants to meet up with me. This is not a laughing matter o. I frowned and as disgusted as I could sound, I asked.

'Eh hehn, to what end?', there has to be a catch, I need to hear the rest of it. Don't blame me, jare. Remember, I am meeting up with my friend, so I need more gist.
'...Meet at church, my pastor said...', she mumbled. You should have seen the look on my face. I cut the phone and tossed it to the passenger seat.


I picked my smart phone up and almost switched it off, when I remembered its the only number Khadijatu has. How dumb do I look? People just imagine that once you are pretty, you are gullible.
My pastor said...., very annoying. I know what you are thinking, listen first before you judge me finish. I have done the church thing, white garment, Orthodox, Unorthodox, name it. I have had my bath in streams, junctions, wooded areas, endured blade slicing 'gbere', chopped beating with palm fronds and real life koboko. All courtesy of my mother and her spiritually gullible friends. Me, Nko. I take full responsibility because I followed them blindly. Just name it, I have done it all. Right now eh, no pastor can brainwash or flog me into submission, never again and certainly not with the help of a desperado like Lara.

Na today.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in baba God, but see eh, the day I finally picked up the bible and read it. Kai, I cried.
I let all sorts of con artist deceive me, into doing all sort of ungodly things. Let's just leave that side alone shaa.

Lara called me again, twice before i picked it up and said nothing. She said, she has a message for me, from her pastor. Prayers and a hundred days fasting would cleanse me of my sins and give me my own husband.
I laughed so hard, the car swerved. Angry honks from the car behind me made me wave an apology and park at Bony camp bus stop. I was still laughing when i spotted my friend. Khadijatu ran towards my car and tugged at my locked door, so I unlocked it.

'See eh, if you call this number again eh'.
By this time, I was screaming. Khadijatu, tapped my shoulders and whispered that I should not scream. I ignored her and continued to scream.

'I will curse your generations permanently. All the sins of your father's will grow like a mustard seed and engulf your entire family tree. Don't go and search for the other ten women Frank is dating and has paid their house rent. You are wasting your time with me. And for your information, Frank's latest catch is going to enjoy Valantine in Bahamas, first class ticket with your fake husband. Nonsense, you are the one that needs hundred days fasting, one for every temple your husband violates
By this time Khadijatu and I, were wrestling for my phone. Just before she cut it, I added; no, sorry I shouted....

'See her, fake born again'

Khadijatu switched off the phone and gave me a look. I wanted to start the car and she snatched the keys.

'Not until you have calmed down'
I shouted and cried as I updated my friend about all the trauma Frank put me through in just one hour. Khadijatu stepped out of the car and told me to move over. I may be angry and furious but my sanity is still intact.

'Is your license renewed? Because I am still paying for the engagement that never happened'
'It's up to date, Lastma and VIO have caught me enough times for driving with expired license. Ade, you are covered'.

I threw my head back and relaxed in the front passenger seat. God, it felt good to have a friend to talk to.

'Thank you'
Khadijatu laughed.
'Don't thank me yet, I am hungry and I want real food, so hope your ATM is with you'.
'It's with me, no shakings'.
'Dan Allah, shey it won't affect your dept?'
'Iya Basira took pity on me and agreed to deduct forty thousand from my salary, for twelve months for the five hundred thousand Naira aso ebi'.
'But you try o, me I would collect all my money back from Frank'.

'The less in contact I have with that snake, the saner I will get'.

We were both hungry and wolfed down the pounded yam and egusi in total silence. She had snails and I had cat fish. None of us could move after the meal and we both just started laughing. I laughed so hard, I was crying.

'Mustard seed, family tree in her generations? What, where did you get....'
'Abeg, I was angry jare, and hungry and all the bible verses just jumbled up in my head'.
'She said I need a hundred days fasting, she want kill me finish'.
'What for?'
'For chopping Frank'
'She needs one thousand days of cleansing and fasting for marrying Frank'.

We laughed so hard, I felt so happy and then he called, Mr. H called. He liked that I was in a good mood and wanted to know, if I was up for cocktails.

Khadijatu whispered, tell him I'm here, tell him I am here.

Mr. H didn't mind and said she was invited, Khadijatu clapped her hands and did a victory dance.
'Where are we going.... To Muson center, there's a Brazilian consulate party'.
I love Mr. H's diction, it just had this calming effect on me. This manliness to it, his baritone voice. Mmh mmh mmh, to die for.

'Please tell Mr. H, I am single'.

I covered the mouth piece and whispered to my friend, so she will stop embarrassing me; 'He knows'.
Mr. H added in a gentle voice, I love you. It tickled my ears and I giggle and say see you soon. Not that I don't love him, at least, I think I do, but this love thing messes you up. The longer I can hold on to my sanity, the better.
'So what are we going to do about Lara?' Khadijatu asked as she grabbed the last piece of my catfish, the head for that matter. I watched her crack open the skull and suck on the succullent brain, my favorite part. On a normal day, I would have protested, but I was too busy feeling guilty all of a sudden, for screaming at the poor woman.

'I think, she is in as much shock as I am. So, I won't pick Lara's calls again. She hurts as much as I hurt, and unlike me that can move on, she is stuck with our slitherering slimy friend'

'But you cursed her and her generations and you should...'

I raised my hands and pointed my finger to protest.

'Eh, eh o. No, I won't apologize for cursing her and Frank, because I believe Frank is looking for my trouble. Imagine, he came to my office. I don't trust him one bit, he is up to something'

I thought for a moment and then added.

'We both know that a Scorpion is not a Lobster, Frank my dear is nothing close to a human being'
'The man and his games', Khadijatu said as she washed her hands and I waited to wash mine.
'I know this game is not over, but I will try to be better prepared. And before you say anything, if I betray myself by reacting or acting out, I'll get over it. Yes, the idiot wants me to feel guilty, I will, but only for a minute, nonsense'
'So if he wants to be your Valantine, and pay back all your dept?'

Khadijatu was laughing. Which part of this, is funny?
'I won't take a kobo from him, I expect his next move to be something like that, but no dice. Frank is a snake, in fact, can we stop talking about him. Its annoying'

Khadijatu seemed disappointed, I guess she was enjoying my telemundo episodic life. I wasn't. I had to steer this conversation out of this deadzpne, fast.

'Mr. H has a yatch trip planned for Valantine'; I beamed in all my excitement.
'Hey, you two, remember me o'.
'In fact, he has someone for you. Let's both go and shower and change jare....'

Khadijatu stopped me and had a sad look on her face. 'Ade, you are a true friend'

'Why, you have been there for me..'
'.....I know, that's why, I need to tell you, before he uses it against me'.
'Which Frank? 'Abeg leave story, jare'

I walked on, but my friend stopped me.
'Ade, I wanted to tell you...'
'Tell me what', I did not like her tone one bit.
'I assumed it was real, assumed it was a relationship, but he said he never asked me out'
'What are you saying?', this devil has started again o. See wahala, I am minding my business and trouble is finding me o. Hehn, it better not be what I am thinking because this my mind is rotten.

'Frank and I.... We.... The two of us....'.

Why was Khadijatu stuttering?

I watched her hand leave her oversized bag, filled to the brim with God knows what. The hands came together and my eyes widened. I grabbed her arm and pinched it hard, my mind had traveled but I didn't want to assume anything.

'Is this a joke?... Tell me'

'Please, I wanted to tell you but he said he didn't ask you out too, then all of a sudden, you two announced you were engaged'

Awo o, see this detective mind thing, it should not just stop with your partner. It should extent to your friends. I am investing in secret camera recording devices around my home from now on. I don't like what I am hearing but let me just ask and be crystal clear about it.

'Are you saying you slept with Frank?

**Season 1, Episode 4**
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1 comment:

  1. See me see trouble ooo, if your friend sleeps with your man... What do you do?


Adebusola Ukayat Elegbede is a Playwright and Content creator with a passion for real life challenges. Born in Kaduna state and lives in Lagos Nigeria, she has a passion for story telling from the perspectives of characters in conflicting situations. I started out on the New Writing Project in Nigeria with the British Council Lagos Nigeria and The Royal Court Theatre, Sloane Square U.K. My passion for creating stories led to comic books, television drama's and an online journal on my website (busolaelegbede.com). As part of the WPIC in Stockholm Sweden 2012, the experience has forged life long friends and ignited my passion as a volunteer and advocate for human rights and the United Nations 17 Sustainable Development Goals.

Follow @Busola Elegbede