Tiny killer hummingbirds, fluttering about my delicious life. A beautiful life, formed from hard work and loads of love, circling all around me. As crystal clear sweet waters, also disappears and is sucked sucked dry by beautiful white Flowers steming from above. All distracting me from the inevitable truth, that I am strongly in denial about. Is the glass half full or empty? I wonder. Let me distract myself further by the latest news in town. But wait ooo, How does a film producer steal nine iPhones? One, two, three, four, five and then some More. Could it be the trauma of losing a cash queen as a wife? The now famous Yoruba movie actress is flourishing like a flower under a subsaharan sun. Wait ooo, or is it a sign of kleptomania? But we all know that kleptomaniacs don't steal for profit, they are almost driven to insanity with obsessing over an object until their hands feel the object. If this is true, then this is plain theft or common greed. Why are we all so obsessed with bad news? I wish someone would call me with a small victory like, I passed my midterm or I sold a book or my wife just had a baby girl. Not this perpetual woeful trending craze for a man degenerated by lack of honour or morals. I am craving good news as you can tell and as God is my witness, I will find it...
'Ade, I called and called yet you did not show up'
I was about to anwser and tell her that I have been interviewing new assistant's all day and was down to two. But did she listen, no ooooo. My, my busybody Auntie cut me off.
'Did you at least read my text?'
I slammed shut the door of my brand new Toyota and staggered to the door leading into my house. The security was too relaxed, I need new ones. If I had just gone to Henrik's more strict secure wing of this property. And he warned me not to give do many names to my security team. Now I understand why, he has to be called before anyone is allowed in. I'm Unique of course. I get a free pass and he said the day I don't, then security has been compromised.
'Ade, she o gbo mi Ni?', my Auntie emphasized in my native Yoruba language.
The question got me out of limbo and back to her.
'See the woli, predicted that a famous Yoruba film actor or producer will be disgraced'
I stopped unlocking the door and eyed her.
'I thought you said a woman?'
Why are people so desperate to believe their spiritual leaders are right even when they are not?
'His wife's name is all over...'
'... Please Auntie, it's just A Vindictive Rumor And The Stealing Of Nine Phones'
'A thief is a theif'
'He didn't even steal anything and the picture is from an old movie he was in'
'Don't defend him o'
I did not mean to make up the story that the picture was from a movie. Nor did I mean to defend him, but rumors are toxic.
'Auntie Abeg, I am tired'
'Is that what you will tell your husband when you come back from work?'
'Yes, he is my partner not a dictator'
'Thats why you are marrying Oyinbo....'
'Grandpa was understanding and also a typical Yoruba man. Don't bad mouth men because yours was wicked '
'It's enough, the woli said I should give you this...'
I shield her from entering my home and she freezes.
'No prophet, No body is taking credit for my work and God Almighty's abundant grace. If it works, I and my husband made it work. If it crashes, then so be it'
My Auntie covers my mouth and I push her aside and lock my door behind me.
'Auntie I don't like it ooo'
'Do you know that, the angels are passing?'
'No', I said and sit on the outside cushioned swing.
My Auntie is watching me, I know this, even though I have shut my eyes.
'So i cannot enter my niece's house?'
'Not with that', I say pointing at the concoction.
'Because I did not hide it'
'By tomorrow, we would have upgraded to scanner's'
Three times she clapped loud and shoved her shoulders. And then, she leaves the bottle on the floor.
'Oya now. I have dropped it'
'Better'
And as I unlock it, she grabs it and forced her way into my house.
Can I say I was shocked? I screamed and grabbed the bottle and became violent. Not because I was angry but because I was territorial. She was invading my space and kinda telling me she could do whatever in my own house. I called everyone and reported her. I even called Uncle Taiwo in Arigidi Akoko, all the way in Ondo state. My most influential uncle knew how to get the family together and solve problems. I didn't stop there. I called my Lagos indigene Uncles and Auntie's, all my father's siblings. And they were many, my late grandfather was a very fertile man. By the time I was finished my Auntie was shaking and receiving calls left and right. My house became a circus with relatives and cousins I had not seen in ages. My parents too showed up and after work, Henrik was a little confused to see so many people in my house.
'Just take her away', my retired general sweet dad announced.
The drive was silent and as we got to Federal Palace Hotel in Victoria Island. I sit on the couch beside the bar and rest my head on his lap.
'What happened?'
I grumbled and complained and huffed and puffed and once I had let out all my anger, I rest my head down again.
'So we are getting 3D scanners and changing our security after tonight?'
The question made me laugh uncontrollably loud and fall off the couch. Henrik helped me back up and we ordered kebabs. In that same moment, Ajoke called me and I pick up my phone.
'Why are there so many cars in your compound?'
'I freaked out and called everyone'
'Your Auntie right?'
'Yes'
'Where is Henrik?'
'Beside me'
'Give him the phone'
I was too tired to argue.
'She needs to stop working'
'Until after the honeymoon'
'Henrik, don't react Bala and I are coming over. Where are you?'
I know that they are talking about me but I just don't know how I would deal with the mess I have made. My Auntie provoked me but I don't know how the rest will take it'
I was never that good at receiving negative attention. Always I was lauded for awards and outstanding performances but never for losing my cool and struggling with my older Auntie. Especially this close to my wedding.
Henrik is unusually quiet, I heard Ajoke tell him that she and Bala are on their way. Big deal. I like how quickly Ajoke ended giving Bala stress, ten rental twenty unit flats in Banana Island and unlimited shopping until the end of the year. That calmed her down, but the truth is, the negative DNA results from his former mistresses helped.
I have tried to get Henrik to talk and it's getting frustrating.
'What's up?'
His eyes lit up and i look in that direction and spot Ajoke and stretch my hands at her.
She bent down and hugs me and I wave at Bala.
'Stand up my friend'. Ajoke said and tried to pull me up from the couch. I refuse to stand up, I'm totally exhausted.
I feel someone tap me and I look up and almost pass out. Right before my very eyes, my dear friend.
I screamed so loud and jumped up and hugged Celine. I swayed and rocked her and Ajoke stands at akimbo.
'So you will stand up for Celine but not for me, eh?'
I stop hugging Celine and drag Ajoke towards us.
'Don't you miss her?'
'I do and guess what?', Ajoke had so much more planned.
'Celine is here, what else could make this day any better?'
The look on their faces made me look at the entrance and scream. Pierre, Alan, and the kids were here.
I could not hold back the tears as the kids run into my arm's. It made the reality of my wedding even more real. Henrik was by my side and offering me a handkerchief. Call me an anxious bride but I could not help myself. Everything overwhelmed me so much that my crying intensified. They all rallied around me and got me to sit down.
Pierre and his family go into their rooms and Henrik got us a room.
Meanwhile, my brother's called to inform me that my house was now empty and I could come back home. But I was not interested, this place was too interesting to leave.
'Just lock up as you leave, I'd be home tomorrow'
Us girls laugh and catch up on everything and I just exhale and rest my head.
'Why are you tired'
I yawned and stretched.
'I need a break', I grumbled.
'Then take it', Ajoke screamed.
'But...', I started to say.
'But what?', Celine adds.
'Unless, you want sunken eyes and an ugly photoshoot...'
'Ajoke, of course not'
'Then take at least two weeks off'
'I'm now officially on vacation'
'Good, so how come you are not at home?'
'And all those cars, what was happening, what did she do this time?'
'The short version... Brought in some spiritual concoction and insisted I accept it, pretended to agree to my demands then forcefully got it in'
Celine was in shock and Ajoke clapped both hands and bent her mouth downwards.
'Orisirisi'
'Nonsense and Ingredients'
'For wetin, now?'
'I screamed and shouted and called all my family members on my contact list. From A to 'Z'
'Pele', Celine side hugged me.
'Thanks jare'
'Ade, what about Nnoye?'
'Ajoke don't ask me'
Our French babe was too busy munching on the chicken on a stick.
'Ade, this chicken kebabs is good, let's order more'
I signaled to the waiter and we ordered and also for our family members in their rooms.
Glitters filled my mind as he called and I picked up and listened. Henrik said I should not come to bed too tired and it made me laugh.
My friends were gossipping and I could tell, because, they were whispering. As I drop the phone, Celine was smiling sheepishly.
'Have you two?'
'Why, when we are getting married on Saturday'
'Bridal shower would be perfect right here at the hotel hall oo'
'Celine, I agree with you'
The reality of what I had not done just sunk in. And I begin to fidget and bite my nails.
'You did not prepare for your bridal shower?'
Well as expected, Ajoke's question stemmed from shock and disgust. Celine pinched her and I shrugged my shoulders. 'Its not my fault, I was too busy planning everything else'
Saying it out loud did not vindicate me.
'I will call every body and we will have it, after our photoshoot and lucky you. I have a special pastry chef that bakes a mean cake. Let me tell him...'
Celine stands up and makes the call.
'About Nnoye?', Ajoke asked.
Blocking the mouthpiece of her phone, Celine quickly returned.
'Don't start this gist without me'
We watch her speak French and I asked Ajoke if she watched the Dr. Phil episode were he said that French was Nigeria's third official spoken language, off by how many millions. So far the only thing we agreed on was that, after English it was the only other widespread taught foreign language in Nigeria.
'Done, she has agreed to make an epic cake and the hall here is free for the bridal shower'
I hugged my efficient friend.
'So did Nnoye take the money?'
'Oh', I did not expect that question.
'So what are you hiding?', nosy Ajoke asked.
'No be from my mouth you go hear...'
She did not even let me finish because she figured it out.
'Nnoye had an affair and you are covering up'
Ajoke was too loud and Henrik had walked in on what she just said. Maybe she had too much to drink, but this did not look good.
Henrik's beautiful smile deflated into a crumpled ugly frown. That was the least of my problems, it's the way he looked at me. The disappointment and betrayal of trust or lack of it.
Could this day get any worse?
**Season 1, Episode 85**
**"ADE'S JOURNAL", 85, COPYRIGHT 2016**
**BUSOLA ELEGBEDE, COPYRIGHT 2016**
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