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Ade's Journal Part 6

Ade's Journal Part 6
My Valentine & The Elegance Of A Clean Breakup

Ade's Journal Part 5

Ade's Journal Part 5
My Scrumptious Valentine Kiss

Ade's Journal Part 4

Ade's Journal Part 4
A Scorpion is not a Lobster

Ade's Journal Part 3

Ade's Journal Part 3
My Insane Week Before Valentine

Ade's Journal Part 2

Ade's Journal Part 2
He Had The Guts To Come Back

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Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Everything Is At A Halt


  The Afternoon sun blazes and rages on as the rain clouds shrink and evaporate into nothing. That's what the weather is like right now and as my feet gently stumps into the dry crusty earth, fine dust powder rise and fall all around them. And clings and tries to hide between the crevices in my toes. Like smoke it travels beneath my limbs as they shiver and rise and fall, advancing towards something. Ask me where I am going for the bitter truth is that I do not know. Only ask me where we have been and then I will proudly show and tell. What wonders I have experienced and such love I have felt. It is sudden and to my dismay I hear my heart flutter and beat irregularly and then feel my brain wobble in my light head. I do what I must, respond and fight and almost crash and fall.
But alas, I don't. Because I have learned to hold my breath in that instant and breathe in deeply and out smoothly. Again I have disappointed myself, I really thought I wanted it all to end, Yet I have just tried to continue to live.
   What does it all mean?
I spot a beautiful funnel flower white and lovely with yellow stamens hanging over as if ready to be placed over a burning flame. But I cannot just stare at it, I must own it or worse photograph it. The shade does it no justice and only in the natural light can it shine. So I pluck it from its stem with its voluptuous leaves and place it on the gray nylon. It stares at me and invites me to join in the photoshoot and as I get my shot, I cover it all up. The end of its short but useful life and the beginning of mine. This is the only time I can feel something, when the camera is between my fingers and I hear the shutter sound. Like with everything this has come to an end and as I look up, I spot my friend calling out to me....

 Now I stagger and try to stay upright as she catches me and I fight not to let go of my lens.
'Ade, what are you doing?'
'Trying to be useful', I said not sure of what I was trying to say.
'By photographing beautiful things around me'
 The thought of my words crush me and I start to cry and try to wipe away my tears. Instead the needle from the drip I drag around with me Rick's me.  I winced and stopped and tried to stop the injection spot from bleeding.
'Ade let's go back inside the hospital', Celine adds and tries to lead me back inside.
'You are not even wearing shoes', she adds a little irritated.
'The nurse keeps saying it's the last drip', I grumble and yank the painful drip from my arm.
Celine screws shut the blood pump that should have leaked because of my actions.
She picked up the needle with her napkin as I almost step on it.
'Ade let's go'
 I stare ahead at the nurses running towards me and stopped resisting.
'Its the last one before I go home but to what?'
  My question throws Celine off and she stares at me speechless.
'To who... Whom? My empty twin baby crib or my empty bed with my husband absent'
'Then you move with me to the guest house, no vex... I wasn't thinking'
'Everything is at a halt', I add and then we hug.
No need to delay the inevitable I think and I follow her back into my private room.
The nurse finds a new vein to poke and inject the remaining drip into.

    The gravels that the car crushes as we drive into my house which is no longer a home. Rings out loud and I rest my aching head on the car door. I still do it you know, cup my stomach that is now flat and missing my twins.
Celine didn't drive, we took Ajoke's car and Nnoye was the one that opens the car door.
I almost fall out and as I steady my head, I stretch my dusty limbs and step out.
Celine quickly placed my slippers on the floor so I would slip into them. I intentionally do not and as the uneven stones dig into the bottom of my limbs. I like that they hurt and as I stand upright, my head hurts. I turn my gaze from the guesthouse to the major house.
And without moving, tears stream down my tired face. He is really gone and he really didn't take me with him.
Trembling, Ajoke helps me move and Celine shoves slippers into my feet. I refuse to move and I am crying like a baby now and saying everything all at once.
A car parks beside me and Daniel Ojora races out from it. He picks me up and carries me into the guest house. I don't remember much after that.

   I just know I woke up in the middle of the night to hear many voices. It was like I moved backwards in time. Back to last year or the year before last, to when I had broken up with Mr. H and I was living in Daniel's friends guest house.
 Only I didn't move back in time but forward. The kind man that let me rent his guesthouse became my husband and now he is gone.
My friends think I am still asleep but I am not. I hear them laugh and smile, it reminds me of his laugh. It was long and ends with a husk that ends with a whisper.
  I also hear them talk about their show and how much people love it all. I frown and do not care about that. What I want to hear is Henrik and the way he makes me feel when he smiles. Like an addict I search and try to find my phone. It's not on the bed or under my pillow, so I crawled back to the laminated freshly polished floor. The phone is between the duvet and I unlock it and scroll through my many apps.
I open Facebook and squat at the corner of my former bed. As I play the video I recorded of our last Valentine together. I watch him lick the pineapple icing Ii made for our cake. And I spank him and he laughs, such a warm seductive way to laugh and we kiss. His words make me freeze.
'Ade how can you bake, kiss and film this all at the same time?'
'Henrik I want our future children to see this, to feel this. It's love darling and they need to see us together'
 I cry and cover my mouth to hide the sound and then toss aside the phone and kick away bed covers and shoes. And then curl into a fetal position.

  The funeral is this weekend and I need to get involved. I remember Ajoke showed me an invite and his parents were going to come for it. I heard their voices in there and I'm afraid to step out and see them. A soft knock and as the door opens, I rest my weight on my palms and sit up. She runs into my arms and I see him in her, his mum looks like my long gone husband.
'My dear Ade so sorry for your loss', my mother in-law says and hugs me.
My father in-law kneels beside us and taps my back.
'It should have been me driving'
'Dear child, there is no way would my son would let his pregnant wife drive...'
I know she regretted saying and reminding me that I was pregnant. But there was no way I was going to not say what I was thinking.
'I should have insisted he eat beef instead of fresh fish.. I should...'
'Ade stop it, nothing anyone could do could have stopped it'
'My happiness is gone'
'You will be happy again'
'I doubt it', I complain.
'I am here now, we will all say goodbye together'
  His mother was right, the next time I pen words into this Journal. ADE'S JOURNAL I will have my very first experience of penning my words. The words of someone who love and lost, someone whose heart broke into a million pieces.
I heard a voice and twitched, it was late and he was still here. Daniel was still here and it annoyed me, I actually asked myself why he was and Henrik wasn't.
That was cruel of me, I smell the aroma before I see it. Celine enters with hot pepper soup and I stare at her as she balances it and kneels beside me.
'Its really good'
 It reminds me I have not eaten since breakfast and yesterday too all I had was breakfast. As I stare at the bowl of fresh fish pepper soup I start to cry.
'Its exactly what Henrik wanted..'
 I laughed and then rest my head backwards and then keep my cold palm underneath the white soup bowl.
'I will make something else', Celine adds and I stop her.
'No just stay with me', I say and stare at her cute baby bump.
It was quiet for a while and then Celine starts taking the soup. I smiled and rest my head on her belly and listened. It was quiet and the movements were subtle. I move my head and rest it on the pillows beside me.
'Mum, dad you can stay in the house', I could not call it my home.

  Now I can go back to sleep and run on the beach with my family....

**"ADE'S JOURNAL" Season 2 Episode 85**
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Adebusola Ukayat Elegbede is a Playwright and Content creator with a passion for real life challenges. Born in Kaduna state and lives in Lagos Nigeria, she has a passion for story telling from the perspectives of characters in conflicting situations. I started out on the New Writing Project in Nigeria with the British Council Lagos Nigeria and The Royal Court Theatre, Sloane Square U.K. My passion for creating stories led to comic books, television drama's and an online journal on my website (busolaelegbede.com). As part of the WPIC in Stockholm Sweden 2012, the experience has forged life long friends and ignited my passion as a volunteer and advocate for human rights and the United Nations 17 Sustainable Development Goals.

Follow @Busola Elegbede