"ADE'S JOURNAL", 101

   My eyes flicked and stared at the fresh layer of dust on the porcelain figure of a horse and it's foal. It is a  curious situation to see it's broken tail and it's babies broken tail. Is this a case of the sins of the father been inflicted on the child? Or just coincidence, either way, they are together in their troubled state. Both heavily laden with dust and standing on a reflective surface. Not water as they both would sink into oblivion, but a shiny surface on top of solid ground. The amount of dust on the two creatures is worrisome, does that mean I inhaled all that throughout the night?   Lagos is dusty but worse than that are the tiny creatures feasting off the dust. They hop and jump and move so slow, it's scary. I remember the first time I spotted these creatures living in the dust haven. I thought I was seeing double. They dragged on as if they barely moved and when I blinked. It hopped to the wall in front of me. Lucky for me the wall was blue, so I could see it clearly. I squashed it into the wall with an old book and watched it reduced to a stain. Like one from a minute moth that I could barely see. I have not looked at dust the same and I truly don't like when someone I can't see bites me. The culprits are many, mosquitoes, fleas, sand flies and now dust mites. So I don't just clean off dust and displace those thousands of colonies of dust mites. No, i try to kill them with chemicals that slowly kill me too.
This life of kill or be killed should be labeled, kill and you too will be killed. I can't seem to tolerate the smell of insecticides and pest killers. I just want to stay still and not be bitten by anything.
Too late though, for she is com. Not like a thief in the night but like a belled hyena out for blood. Old or new, fresh kill or decaying kill, she can smell it and she is not tiptoeing towards me. She is screeching and laughing and giving the best performance of her life.
 Seriously, I should call this blog post 'intervention 101'. But there is no need, my Aunt comes in ringing a bell that smashes my swollen brain. It makes it smash into my skull and the eyelids above my eyes ache with every flick. My migraine is worse and my rage is building, you just don't know where you stand with your young friends. Honestly, I never imagined that Ajoke will be the one to bring my aunt we both called archaic back into my life.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 100
 
      I guess I imagined how today would turn up, I mean that I imagined it would turn out differently. As in, the last time I felt like this. I wanted to move to Siberian and for one reason only. The weather drops to minus thirty degrees. There you don't have the luxury of picking out stilettos or fancy suede boots, you only have to be practical. The shoes on your feet are for threading down at least twenty inches of snow and your clothes have to keep you warm. I would imagine also that time wasting did not exist and every moment counts. That's where I want to be today and yesterday I wanted to be in Hawaii, not around the hotels and resorts, no. Around the sea waves and endless beach sand with no house in the horizon. My mind, body and soul needs space and I am not getting it. So my creative mind is conjuring all sorts of possible ways to escape this cluster phobia and crowded emptiness. I need to be that girl walking away from a forgotten shore in a secluded place, far from everyone. Right now I am tired and I want to sleep, do you know that I know I am asleep. I am tired in my dreams and keep searching for a bed and I can't find one. Instead I am in sky high shoes I swore I would never again wear, in a micro gown that has taken all of me not to pull it down. And I see a crowd of people waving at me and beconing me to join them. As I start to walk towards the crowd, my shoes sink into snow and I panic.
Steady, a familiar voice says and my heart skips and I start to panic.
You are in good hands, just don't stop walking.
That sound made me smile and I squeezed his hand and look at my feet. I have on thick winter boots, knee high and my winter jacket resembled an Eskimo jacket.
As he helps me up to the platform, it changes again and this time it's a warm lagoon front. The local hand made boats are painted bright blue and green and I smiled because he thrust me high enough to see the beauty of it all. I pull all his weight and help him up on the platform and we walk side by side away from the waters. I could hear my voice in the distance and knew I would leave him soon. So I rest my head in his warm shoulders and try to let our warm embrace linger on forever.
I miss you....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 99

    It is two weeks and six days to the deadline but I am determined to make it. I sit here, thinking about my life and how it all turned out. I guess I imagined I made different choices and I am  a different age and in a different place. Where i wanted to escape to where I walked away from that boy with pretty eyes  and the other one that had a WrestleMania type body. All not very good for me, they were pretenders and liars playing a part to woo me into their lies. They hated my free and upbeat aura and crushed all that made me, me. Why did I let them, because I could not admit I had been conned into believing they were real. So I played along and let me become a shadow of myself. Until I could no longer hide me and a silver Moon brought out the werewolf inside. I clawed and bit my way out of the rot. And scarred and wounded, I stood proud and happy I made it. But my pack would not let me forget, so I moved away. A lone wolf fighting in extreme hot and cold terrains. I made some kills my former entire pack could not achieve. And I did make some tiny almost shameful kills too. But I survived and found a new pack, they were good for me until they were not. I was doing everything, the front man, the hunter and the protector. It was wearing me out and just as I was going to leave this pack, my former pack showed up. They showed off what I missed and were impressed I was now a leader. Lured me into abandoning my quest and kept me under their rule. I was back to square one, an underdog. I had to get out and when I did, scars of broken trust and hope re-emerged. The truth is I should never have gone back to a pack that had no faith in me. Back to squabbling and accepting a plane mediocre life. Two years stolen and my spirit broken, I have gained a new experience. Today, my shield is up and I am ready. I may be distracted and afraid to face a new chapter in my life. But I will shake it off and step ahead and right into a brand new future with me in charge.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 98

    Sliding into a tiny gap and trying hard to escape to what I assume is freedom, I heave and sigh and then try to break free. I want to get out there and be whisked away by the wind. And not just any wind, I want winds filled with the salty sea and bits of the seashore. Cool and sharp and slaps as it strikes my skin, I want to taste it but it means I have to become another state.
It calls to me and invites me, that Natural fragrance from my childhood. It's sweet berries aroma soaked in fresh plump alive leaves surrounded by rich loamy soil, perforated by juicy fat worms.
But I am no longer the wind, I am a tiny lamb on a mission. I sees beautiful mammoth butterfly perch and feed on the marvelous bouquet of flowers naturally clustered and set above the tree of wonders and I know I have to have a taste. Just below it are purple berries, tiny and juicy inviting it calls to me. I move up to my hind limbs and start to munch on the green leaves and yes I have some berries. I eat until I am full and then I hear the a crackling sound. All around me is burning, but not this tree. It is fire resistant and still standing. And by proxy, I am still standing too and that makes me relax and chew on what is left in my mouth. I flinched and then feel my stomach turn up into a knot, no way. I realize what it is, I have eaten poison and I am trapped. I stare at the plant and cannot help but wonder. Why do beautiful things poison you?
  Lantana Camara has left me with her bouquet of flowers and juicy plush leaves and now I am a victim in her path. Struggling to keep my eyes open as they are shut tight and as I do, I start to lose consciousness. So I fight some more and fall into a deep slumber....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 97

    It's a dry dusty Afternoon, I wiggle my toes and try not to freak out as a giant ant walks over my feet dragging a dried up grass with it. Why I am barefoot, I do not know. But the burning beach sand underneath my feet pushes my every being to run. I surprise myself and resist, maybe because i was more afraid of a bite from this lone ant than getting scorched. Although today is hot and irritating there is only one thing that can ease my distress and quench my thirst. I look back at the glass cup with ice cubes melting in it and the lemon slice sipping into my drink. I need a drink, badly. I see another ant lead an army and I know I have to move. It stings and I slap it, to try to stop the pain and as I do. I see them climb and form a tower and I almost reach out to it, the pain and multiple bites make me hop away and closer to my drink. And then I see it, they have not only built a tower but also a bride. We are in a race to catch up and dehydrate ourselves and I do not want to drink any ant infested lemonade.
 I get there and quickly drink as much as I can and leave two small cubes in my mouth. And then the pain begins, real and unending multiple bites. I counter it all and then I fall and expect to land. Instead I reach out and try to break my fall with my hands and just keep on reaching....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 96

    Clear as day, the yellow interior of the beautiful blossoms shined like glitters in the blazing sun.  The snow white thick petals in uneven fives, clustered and formed peaks on the tree as it watched the beings pass by. The herbivores the omnivores had no clue that we carnivorous beings were lurking and mimicking them. Waiting and watching and hoping they let their guards down and cluelessly, they do. Forget camouflage, these naive things have no clue they are in a honey trap. I don't even have to bite or sting, my sweet nectar has them intoxicated. I stand there and watch a killer bee take out a hive of bees, I am stung several times but refuse to move. Will anyone survive this massacre? They look and sound like the specie they are taking out, but they are larger and louder. At least now, I need to move because this hive are intense and fierce and hungry. The honey they did not help make, they cart away and the lone witness watching they try to take out. I see a lone bee stagger away and hope it makes it. I on the other hand run for my dear life, scared with stingers embedded deep in my skin. A harsh lesson learned, as I fight hard to wake up from this very strange dream....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 95

     I Believe my day starts on a fluffy white feather, slicing the warm positive air that has traveled far from a boiling desert. The wings arch and spread, creating a storm designed to crash me hard and fast into a sad reality. I refuse to let go of hope and as I take action and strive to achieve all I set out to become.. it happens. I can say I don't recount how it ends, but as my dreams slip out from my fingers. I can't help but see clearly where and when I got it wrong.
Birds of a feather, do indeed flock together. And in my trying years on earth, I have discovered that to join that flock that has achieved all I want and need in life has been a serious challenge.
I started out believing a pretender and a smart talking dullard. I could hear the lies, but the deceiver played on my Innocence and made me think I was in love. Next I met an exhausted scholar, attracted to my fashion sense. He grew tired trying to fly at my level and I from stooping so low. Then I met the liar, the drunkard hiding from successful friends. Dragging me down and back, until I pecked him out of existence.
  I know exactly what I want and as the temperature drops, I see it and just soar and slide and glide through the impossible.
Snowfall In The Desert and I am prepared to face this raging storm. The lizards drop from trees and the snakes freeze, the spiderwebs become ice stained windows as hummingbirds crash through. I on the other hand, hold on to hope and will power. My muscles hold in place my many layers of feathers as I arch my wings and push onwards. An experienced eagle glides beside me and whispered.
You didn't give up when the temperature dropped and you didn't stop when the others did. Look up ahead...
As I did, a warmth ran through my veins, the peak of the mountain with the flock I have looked long admired cheered us on.
I made it....

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 94

  Swing Higher Than Anyone Imagines, run faster even if no one is looking. Just stretch and reach and don't drown even as they preach. It's time we see your dream materialize, she says with rage in her eyes. It's not like I'm on my bed, waiting for something to happen. I think and act and create and try and fight to be heard all the time. This world I create, I do with so much grace. As I erase all the words that try to label my hard work as failed gains.
You may not see where I am going, but I see it clear and inch so near to making it happen. Every triumph and trial I accept with much vigor as I continue to just push on. You say my deadline is this year and I say my spent time is every new second. I am not in competition with you, I am only out to build my world anew.
 So yes, ask me again why I hesitate to take what you give. I have done as you said and like I have said. I just can't wait for how you want me to be to be. Why press play on a life I don't want, I've seen that way and it doesn't appeal to me. I can't stop running towards what I want, so Why shout at me?
I can't hear you speak, so don't bother shouting at me. Why run away, is it because you think I can't move again. Move in the direction of my dreams, when my life isn't about yours. Every day, I tell myself to Smile, Even For A While. For I know, It will go a million mile. Take me back to that unstoppable me, to that time the world was mine to conquer. I let go and just shined, knowing I could just fly high up above my dreams. Like the Kite last night, spreading her beautiful spotted tail as an endless blue sky. Soaked in the sweat nectar of yellow flowers at a very pregnant seashore.

"ADE'S JOURNAL", 93

   So wave my scream now a sword dream killer. Make it that I am no longer a player, but a slayer of all I set out to conquer.
Stow away this strange dream of mine, now I have to scream bigger to be heard by those close to me. Slow but anyways, say it as it is I am now an achiever untangled like a snake entwined in a deep frown and mad at life. Like a thing haphazardly aiming for genius and falling short and ending up among the stars. And then I throw a tantrum that mocks all I claim to love. All I claim is me triumphantly growing and making it in this world.
So, no more vague and abstractly wishing things will fall into place. I am taking charge mentally, spiritually and physically. I will walk and talk positive from now on and March only on victory Lane. I grab my goals, all that are my goals and know that i have to sit up.
Love me and just believe because, I can't over emphasize the need to renew, review the steps taken to get to where I am right now. It is amazing I have made it this far but should I discard failed attempts at succeeding? My candid answer is not to ever do that. Every wrong step has within it lessons and seeds, if well nourished can grow and yield fruits beyond my wildest dreams. Into a timeless succulent pine, stuffed in a tiny pot and forced to assume I am small. When for a fact I will grow into this mighty force, unstoppable and resilient. A thousand years on and I am still growing, many have fallen by my side and their loss has fed and nourished me. Their lesson mine to behold and mine alone, for I used it, threw it and grew it. Until it was inevitably mine and fine with all I hold dear and fear and have inevitably conquered.
Sure, you have heard this a million times before, my story is different. The difference should be, not in your bragging rights of your pain and loss. But in my triumph and success, no matter how brief they are. Or like the pessimist says, how futile it all has to be. Faith and fate are now my sister's but not the ones I just stumbled upon, these sisters hold the hands of time as they mix my experiences in a large cauldron.
Pouring down the skies, opportunities lost and gone and shoving and poking at me until I stretch and grab at one and then two.
Wishing it was all mine is as good as me just  waiting and Watching time go by.
Wishing i could fly without fighting gravity and taking a leap and landing, Far into the sky. Even for a while...
Oh shoot, I just got on board the wrong train on my way to my spiritual awakening. I can spend all day trying to get back to town and another week trying to book a trip to the temple of my dreams. This entire trip will be wasted and there's only one thing left for me to do. He Jumped Off The Train Into A Million Pieces Of Pines, shattered and broken in places there could not be joints. The roots have dislodged and all that hold me in place all gone. I try to pick up my pieces and just lay limp there and almost lifeless like. Experts in accident management race to the tracks to stop another train from dismembering me, others in human anatomy come around. And I do the impossible and heal, I am the inevitable as I spring forth life from where the world has forgotten. I am after all, me...