I Believe my day starts on a fluffy white feather, slicing the warm positive air that has traveled far from a boiling desert. The wings arch and spread, creating a storm designed to crash me hard and fast into a sad reality. I refuse to let go of hope and as I take action and strive to achieve all I set out to become.. it happens. I can say I don't recount how it ends, but as my dreams slip out from my fingers. I can't help but see clearly where and when I got it wrong.
Birds of a feather, do indeed flock together. And in my trying years on earth, I have discovered that to join that flock that has achieved all I want and need in life has been a serious challenge.
I started out believing a pretender and a smart talking dullard. I could hear the lies, but the deceiver played on my Innocence and made me think I was in love. Next I met an exhausted scholar, attracted to my fashion sense. He grew tired trying to fly at my level and I from stooping so low. Then I met the liar, the drunkard hiding from successful friends. Dragging me down and back, until I pecked him out of existence.
I know exactly what I want and as the temperature drops, I see it and just soar and slide and glide through the impossible.
Snowfall In The Desert and I am prepared to face this raging storm. The lizards drop from trees and the snakes freeze, the spiderwebs become ice stained windows as hummingbirds crash through. I on the other hand, hold on to hope and will power. My muscles hold in place my many layers of feathers as I arch my wings and push onwards. An experienced eagle glides beside me and whispered.
You didn't give up when the temperature dropped and you didn't stop when the others did. Look up ahead...
As I did, a warmth ran through my veins, the peak of the mountain with the flock I have looked long admired cheered us on.
I made it....
Its a lovely evening indeed and I have been distracted by Nnoye long enough. Now the true reality has set in, the baby I have been breastfeeding is not mine and her mother is here.
She looks lost, as if she was dreaming but wide awake. Her eyes were glossy, almost glass like. As if there was a gray glossy film over her big brown eyes. I guess I have been around enough depressed women to recognize that dead look. My heart ached for the baby and I didn't want to give her up. Especially to someone under emotional trauma from herself and what life means to her, from the strange outbursts and dead silence she would exude all at the same time. So I did the civil thing to do. I invite her in and wonder why Daniel looks scared.
'I brought ice cream', she says as if just remembering she was supposed to say that.
I know we are still in the beginning of this new year and it's a time to spread good deeds and share all you need. But this time it's difficult and as I set wine glasses next to the ice cream bowls, a sad reality envelopes me. I Try to listen to Daniel try to make the situation look normal and watched him try to push her into normal conversations. But there was nothing normal about us, I just lost three of my family members and she just sunk into the worst kind of depression. She abandoned her baby because of mental health issues and everyone was judging her.
'I'm sure you think I am a bad mother...'
I grab her hands and shake my head.
'Of course not...'
'I had to, my mind had coined up at least ten ways to end my bab...'
Daniel dropped his spoon, enraged she could say it out loud.
I hold him back underneath the table and he flings the napkin on his lap on the table.
'This is ridiculous', he snapped at her.
'It is a real medical situation', I add a little upset he was this insensitive.
'She works, how can she be depressed? How can a mother want to kill...'
Daniel held back tears and a zombie-fied Opeyemi just watched him.
'That's why she hid it from you'
'Ade, what am I supposed to do?'
'Daniel, she needs medical attention'
'I can't leave my baby with you'
The words were sincere but they still hurt, a lot. I lowered my eyes to try to hide my own pain.
'She has not even asked for her', Daniel adds.
'Where is my baby?'
I stand up and hear Daniel scold her and sit back down.
'Daniel, please go and get Angel'
As he gets up, she starts to take some ice cream. She is slower than she used to be and a little scared.
I squeeze her hand and smile at her.
'We will get you all the help you need'
Opeyemi nods her head and I go and get Daniel.
He is rocking her and trying to calm his daughter down.
'Ade, what am I supposed to do?'
'Calm down, get her professional help...'
'She wants to move out'
'So you made her come here'
'If she set eyes on her, she will want to stay'
'And if she kills her own child...'
'She wouldn't'
Daniel walks towards the living room and I followed.
It was a strange encounter, watching Opeyemi finish her ice cream and ignore Daniel and her child. She nods and acts weird, if I have collected Angel from Daniel he may have shoved his baby mama.
Daniel was rocking Angel and watching Opeyemi scrape the bottom of the ice cream bowl. I go to Daniel and hold his shoulder and say to an agitated Angel.
'Ssshhhh'
'Ade, can you see what I am dealing with'
'Opeyemi', I call her name and she nods her head without looking up.
'Daniel can I talk to you'
'Ade this is ridiculous...'
'Now', I say in a stern don't mess with me voice.
Back in the baby room, I carry Angel and rest her on my shoulders.
'See eh... Denial is a strong drug and I want you to fight it'
'I am not in denial, I am angry'
He obviously was not in a good mood, so I lift Angel high up and whisper in my baby voice.
'How is my beautiful Angel doing? Happy, happy and sucking two fingers. Like my brother... So cute'
She wiggled and starts to fall back asleep. So I curve my arms and let her rest beside my steady beating heart.
'What should I do?'
'See a doctor with and without her'
'Is this my fault?'
'Let us focus on her and tone down the rage towards her'
'If you did not help...'
'Someone else will, that is life'
He was quiet for a long time.
'My mum was depressed during most of my childhood. It was hard and confusing and there was no medical diagnosis for it then. So you are much better off than I wasn't
'You survived it'
'Yes and Angel will too, she's scared so please don't push her'
'So we should get help', he sighed heavily.
'While she still wants it, yes'
Daniel hugged me and then leads us back to the living room.
'Say good bye to mummy', Daniel tells Angel.
And I wave her tiny hands and Opeyemi says good bye and leaves.
Daniel gives her a peck and squeezed my hands.
'God bless you Ade'
And as they leave, I wish them the same.
Ajoke and Nnoye join me and hug me as I cry quietly and briefly. We all seem to be saving ourselves lately.
I really am grateful I have Angel to keep me sane. I just don't know for how long.
**"ADE'S JOURNAL" Season 2 Episode 95**
*"ADE'S JOURNAL", 95, COPYRIGHT 2018*
**BUSOLA ELEGBEDE, COPYRIGHT 2018**
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